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Tag: mindfulness

  • Can a Broken Man Find His Spiritual Self?

    Can a Broken Man Find His Spiritual Self?

    I once told someone I was ‘broken’.  They said I was ‘just cracked.’  Little did they know. 

    I’ve had a lifetime of disappointments, little and large.  I’ve had a lifetime of being let down by people, including acquaintances, friends, ‘good’ friends, and yes, even family.  Let-downs can be deliberate deceptions, little lies that add up way too quickly, deceptions in shared values, broken promises, or cheating, to add some context.  Given that, before we proceed, I believe it’s essential to provide my definition of ‘broken,’ as it can have different meanings for various individuals.  What makes one person feel broken may not even phase another.  Or perhaps the experiences that made one feel broken don’t compare on the cosmic scale with the events that broke another.  However, keep in mind that this is not a competition.  Our feelings are ours, and they are neither elevated nor diminished when compared to others.

    Broken, as I define it, means ‘beyond repair.’  That is, someone who will never be the same person they were prior.  This can manifest in many ways, including their overall demeanor, a lack of trust in others, building unscalable/unbreakable walls, or simply accepting that fate has given them lemons but left no way to squeeze them into lemonade.  So, life becomes about sucking on lemons and accepting it.  The natural progression is falling deeper into a pit of despair that has no ladder out.  It becomes about how best to survive with what you have.  Men often refer to this as ‘living a life of quiet desperation.’  Men are not typically encouraged to discuss their feelings.  We are expected to be stoic and strong.  If we do slip up and let it out to the wrong person, we become emasculated, which leads to more profound despair as there’s little chance of repairing that fuck-up.  Men typically don’t share feelings with their buddies, which is out of respect because we know they are likely already broken too.  We don’t usually burden each other with the deep shit.  So, if that’s the case, HOW can we overcome this and find a spiritual center?

    So now you want to take all those broken pieces and put a little glue on them, making yourself whole again, right?  That sounds reasonable and like a good plan, but is it feasible?  If people and events have broken you, what exactly do you do to accomplish this remarkable reassembly?  If events are the most significant cause, you should start with a counselor, but that means expressing feelings, which can feel risky.  Perhaps you remove people, places, and risks from your life.  Well, eliminating people sounds good, but then what happens when the next one(s) come around and dance on your pieces even harder, grinding them into powder?  How about avoiding places that lead to issues or even relocating to a different area?  That changes the players, but not the game.  There are corner bars and other triggers in nearly every town.  As for risk, life always has risks, so eliminating those is tricky at best.  Give up your motorcycle, on which you speed and take chances.  But what if that is the one thing keeping you together?  These destroyers of men are eternal and persistent.  The older we get, the more broken people we meet (Gen Xer alert going off!).

    Knowing we cannot remove these potentially soul-crushing things from life, we need to stop looking at the world around us for solutions and instead focus internally.  Inner peace is not a cliché, and I believe it is attainable (this post will not detail how, but I suggest reading previous posts for some suggestions).  Finding it is of paramount importance, lest those pieces of yourself end up as dust blowing in the wind.

    The hard part is Shadow Work (see previous posts), where you first must acknowledge the mistakes you’ve made and the things you’ve hidden even from yourself, that likely contributed to your breaking.  This is a must, and it is painful.  But once you have acknowledged it and decided that the past is gone and completely irrelevant, you can forgive yourself (but not forget, lest you repeat) and move forward in finding yourself.  Next, take inventory of your successes and good qualities.  Find the strength to celebrate yourself and give yourself credit for those things that are uniquely ‘you.’  This can be daunting, especially if you are depressed, feel trapped by circumstances, or are in relationships that don’t make you happy.  Depression is no joke, but it can be overcome, as can circumstances.  Removing yourself from circumstances may not always be enough and may only bring short-term relief, so finding the part of you that is strong and capable of accepting who you are is key.  Once you’ve accomplished this, THEN you can look toward prevention by setting boundaries and holding yourself accountable for continuing to do the things that brought you back together.  You must be diligent here, as those cracks are still there, and those joints will weaken if you lose yourself again.

    Some things that may be useful include:

    • Meditation – I couldn’t do it until I could – See previous posts for tips
    • Acceptance – Understand the situation and recognize that it will not change, regardless of how much you desire it.  Then decide if removal will work or if changing your thinking may be the better answer.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is fucking hard…
    • Set boundaries and stick with them, even if it initially causes conflict.  You will be surprised (or maybe not) how people react when you do this.  You quickly find out who cares about you versus those who care what you provide or what need you may fill.
    • Do some things for YOU and not just survive for everyone else.  Find a hobby.  Carve out time for reading.  Write a blog geared toward helping others and sharing experiences.  You will not change people, circumstances, or reduce risks by keeping your head down and keeping busy.  Stop daydreaming and find something you know you can do and do it!

    The most important thing you can do is to do SOMETHING.  Good intentions and grand plans lead to ‘would of/could of/should of’, which means… nothing.  Get up, stand up, and accept nothing less of yourself.  YOU own your future, your daily attitude, and ultimately, your inner peace.  Having a solid outlook, inner peace, self-love, and self-forgiveness, while reducing the influence of others and events on your mind and mood, is the way to get yourself back together.  We may never be unbroken, but we can find ways to enjoy those pieces.

    If you are in crisis, help is available. Speak or text with someone today by calling or texting the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7/365

  • Sensory Deprivation – Cleansing Your Senses

    Sensory Deprivation – Cleansing Your Senses

    I recently had an opportunity to try something I’d wanted to experience since I saw Altered States (1980) as a kid.  In the movie, Eddie Jessup (William Hurt), a psychophysiologist, experiments with a sensory-deprivation tank (and a few hallucinogens) and has visions he believes are genetic memories. Now, to be clear (spoiler alert), I did NOT transform into a pre-homo sapiens and wreak havoc in the modern world.  However, the experience was very cool and something I’d do again.

    I went to Wellness Elite Fitness (https://wellnesselitefitness.com/) in Friendswood, Texas, founded by the exceptionally nice and professional Imani Lowery.  This is not your average corner gym or generic chain.  No, this is a wellness center like nothing you’ve probably ever experienced.  Now that I’ve indicated I’m a huge fan, I’ll move on.  But if you are ever in Friendswood, I suggest you check it out.  I would try and persuade Imani to open a location in little Farmville, VA, but I suspect having only 3,000 inhabitants probably wouldn’t make it feasible…

    My session started with a thorough explanation of what to expect, how to engage help if I decided to terminate it early, and what to expect when my hour was over.  I was given a swim cap, but I’d recommend not wearing one since I felt it was a distraction.  I entered the ‘tank’, which was kind of like a giant oval clam and stretched out into a large, slightly above body temperature & highly concentrated tub of salt water.  The high salt content is required to make the water denser, so I would easily float away into total relaxation, no swimmies required.  Once inside, the large lid was closed, leaving me in a very dim (but not dark) chamber.  I could only hear a low, relaxing hum and no outside noise, just the way I like it.  I closed my eyes and began regulating my breathing, ready to enter a meditative state (and hopefully transform into the ‘missing link’ and wreak havoc).  Alas, I retained my large form, but I did feel a transformation of mind and spirit.

    As I drifted into total relaxation, my body touching nothing but water, I began to feel as though I were floating through a darkened sky.  Now, I’ve yet to experience astral projection, but I imagine it must feel something like this sensation.  My normally overthinking mind slowed.  I began to think less but ‘feel’ more.  I started to see images in my mind, sort of like movie clips.  These were all over the place and were like dreams of significant moments in my past, some awesome and some uncomfortable to revisit. What I found interesting was that I was almost indifferent to these memories.  I didn’t become overly stimulated by the good memories, nor did I become upset with the bad memories.  It was like I was reviewing and observing, but not reliving, if that makes sense. 

    I realized after the experience, when I had time to dive into it, that I was letting go of many of those memories.  They were significant to me and likely shaped who I became as a father, husband, businessman, and seeker of spiritual peace.  I feel I was given a rare opportunity to ‘check out’ of the physical world and simply ‘be’.  What this did for me was to help me step forward in my spiritual journey.  For me, that usually happens in a leap after a period of frustrating stagnation.  This was similar to the huge step forward I experienced when I did the energy work I wrote about previously (My Experience with Shamanic Energy Healing). 

    I’m not going to say I had a deep spiritual experience. Still, I will say, given the opportunity for some regularity, I believe I would surely benefit from being able to ‘chill’ my thoughts to such a high degree.  Since this experience, I’ve found my meditations to be easier, not requiring guidance as they usually did prior.

    The attendant called my name and let me know she was about to open the top of the tank.  I was so relaxed, I felt a bit out of it, struggling a little to stand and balance myself.  I had to move slowly or risk tottering over and making a fool of myself.  Then, it was off to the shower to rinse the salt off.  I walked out of Wellness Elite Fitness feeling relaxed, rejuvenated, and with clarity of mind.  I highly recommend the experience and will be looking for something similar here in Virginia.  My quest for total enlightenment continues…

  • My Experience with Shamanic Energy Healing

    Facing Your Shadow Self
    Energy healing requires facing your shadow-self

    In a previous post (Energy & Healing: Beneficial or Bunk?), I discussed energy and my initial skepticism around its validity. I promised I’d share my experience and results in more detail later, so here it is.

    I had a lot of negativities in my life.  More importantly, I never learned how to shake it off.  I never learned how to celebrate my victories or get over my failures. As a man, you’re only as good as your last f*ck-up, no matter how big or small, perceived or real.  Carrying that kind of baggage over a lifetime is like death by 1000 cuts; each cut is tiny, but they add up to a ton of negative energy accumulated and firmly implanted within the psyche.

    In previous posts, I’ve detailed my difficulty with some of the basics like meditation, inner peace, and clarity. In the beginning, I was thirsting for inner peace and knowledge of the universe. I intuitively knew what we have been taught in school and church (mosque, temple, etc.) was both intellectually and spiritually limiting, often by design. But I couldn’t get a foothold on learning anything and practicing mindfulness until I found a way to calm my mind and release all that negative energy…Until my wife and I met a friend who was just returning to Shamanism after a few years hiatus.

    The shamanic healer had indicated she was wanting to return to Shamanism and needed some volunteers for her to practice her shamanic-based energy healing.  Of course, I eagerly volunteered. I’m always up for something new and different, even if I think it won’t work.  What could it hurt to try it? So, one evening, she and her husband came for dinner and afterward, she began.

    She had me stand in the middle of my wife’s altar room, arms at my side and as relaxed as possible. I closed my eyes for focus and did my best to clear my mind. She used a Native American style rattle she had constructed and a feather, which she used to distribute the wispy smoke from her sage around me to cleanse my negative energy, just as you would use to cleanse a house or object. I focused on the rattle as she waved her hands around me as if to physically pull the negativity from me. At first, I really felt nothing….and maybe a bit silly being the center of attention. Then, I heard my wife say, “Tell him to open his mouth” and I did. I began to relax and then feel a bit light-headed. After a few minutes, she said in almost a whisper, “Ok.  All done.”

    I can only describe the feeling as being a little tipsy.  Sort of lightheaded, and a little dizzy. My wife, who is very gifted, said she saw a tangible dark shadow everywhere the healer’s hands swept over and away from my body. It was like the negativity was being pulled away.  However, it initially just snapped back. I apparently could not let go of the negativity that had become such a part of me over my lifetime.  It was at that moment when my wife intuitively told our shamanic healer to have me open my mouth.  Through my open mouth, my wife said she saw the darkness/negativity pour out of my mouth and dissipate into the air with little resistance.  In the horror movies, that would be the ‘demonic entity’ leaving my body just prior to rolling the ending credits and music at the end of a silly Tubi movie. But this was not some mythological ‘demonic’ entity. It was a physical manifestation of years of negative energy, and it was real. I felt the negative energy leaving my body, though I didn’t comprehend that initially. I couldn’t rationalize it then, but things had changed for the better in a matter of minutes.

    I started guided meditations, something I couldn’t do prior. I found my moods being generally positive and things that would bother me did so at a nearly insignificant level. I followed up twice more with our shamanic healer.  The second session had whisps of grey smoke pulled out of me with ease, so as a result, I maintained my calmness and got deeper into meditation.  I had found a lot of hope, optimism, and excitement. The third session, however, was the one that blew my mind.

    The third session was requested by me because it had been a few weeks, and I was struggling a little with some of the meditation.  I felt I was stuck with little new progress.  This took place at her home, again with her husband and my wife watching.  I stood in her kitchen, and she went through the same process.  When it was over, I looked at her husband and immediately noticed he had a wide-eyed shocked look on his face. I immediately glanced at my wife, and she was smiling a knowing smile. The shamanic healer’s husband blurted out “Did you see that???” He and my wife described what they both saw in unison as I stood there, completely dumbfounded at their observations.

    As the healer did her thing, my wife and her husband witness what they described as a white shape, my size, pulled away from my body and turned to face me, forming a translucent mirror image.  They said the ‘spirit-like’ image of me stared directly back at my physical body for a few seconds, completely motionless, before returning to my physical form. Upon being told this, I was of course puzzled and asked a little nervously “What does that mean???”

    I don’t think anyone really knew at the moment, but I think it’s related to Shadow Work. Specifically, self-reflection, growth and spiritual expansion.

    Here’s my take on it:

    Self-Reflection and Awareness:

    • The mirror image is likely a symbol of self-awareness. It encourages you to examine your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that may be hidden from your consciousness. It may encourage examination of the things you dislike or are uncomfortable with about yourself. Eventually, this may lead to self-compassion and understanding of your inner shadow-self. Shamanic healing involves exploring your shadow self which tends to repress parts of the personality that can be the nucleus of negativity, pain, or other unresolved trauma. It may represent the projection of these aspects of your psyche onto others but can also encourage self-reflection. By acknowledging and integrating your shadow-self, you can become whole and ultimately reach self-acceptance. 

    Growth and Healing:

    • Seeing your reflection during healing work is indicates understanding and healing.  It can help you identify patterns of behavior and emotional responses that are ultimately roadblocks in obtaining inner peace. By Acknowledging your shadow-self, you can break free from negative patterns and move towards spiritual growth and healing. 

    Spiritual Expansion:

    • Seeing your mirror image can also be a sign of spiritual expansion. It may mean you are opening yourself up to new awareness and understanding, leading to deeper connection with your inner self. 

    To be completely transparent, I had my eyes closed and didn’t see my ‘other self’.  I recall being in trance-like state, aware but not feeling, if that makes sense.  I don’t think it was any kind of astral projection, so I’m at a loss as to what really happened beyond what I theorized above. I just know it was the last session, and the overall experience jump-started my being able to meditate, heal from the past, forgive myself & others, and gain optimism for achieving inner peace.

    Finally, before anyone asks, I don’t know how this compares to Reiki healing because I’ve never experienced Reiki. I won’t compare the two because that would be disingenuous, and these posts are intended to be about real experiences. I encourage anyone reading this to comment their experiences with Reiki and other healing arts, especially calling out any significant differences from what I experienced. 

    Please keep subscribing and providing ideas for future posts!

  • The Benefits of Shadow Work (& what is it?)

    In my last post (Meditation: Where to Begin?), I mentioned that calming the mind can be quite a challenge. It was my greatest challenge and caused me to doubt I’d ever reach a point where I could slow my brain down enough to advance spiritually. Many things can be a factor, such as ADHD, OCD, being extremely busy with lots of current responsibilities, or perhaps being beholden to social media! But another possible reason is the way we ‘see’ ourselves. After all, we’re only as good as our last f@ckup, right?

    Life is full of mistakes, errors in judgment, and often, consequences. You would think that consequences would be the capital that pays the price for the error, but we often put ourselves through a more brutal punishment, our never-ending self-judgment. Some of us spend a lifetime lamenting ‘that thing we did way back when.’ And that self-deprecating will keep us from becoming the centered spiritual beings we desire. This is where Shadow Work comes in.

    Shadow Work forces us to look into the darkest corners of our minds to deal with the things in our past that we try to bury. These may be one or two significant events or many minor events.  They could have severe consequences or be very minor. They could be impulses or desires we never acted on but still plague our thoughts. Nonetheless, they may become incredibly debilitating to our psyche and lead to depression and anxiety.  The bottom line is that once our perception of self-worth takes a dive, without doing some serious Shadow Work, we set ourselves up to plunge deeper into our own personal darkness.

    Shadow Work differs for everyone, but so is the degree of success or failure. There’s not a ‘right way’ to do it.  You must find what works for you. I prefer to take a guided approach, much like meditation. My Shadow Work began in 2022 as my desire to pursue my spiritual awakening grew stronger. My wife did it alone on a beach in Galveston, TX. She read things like the works of Buddha, examined her life with a microscope, and eventually identified the things she had to let go of, either to forgive herself or forgive people/things that had caused her pain. She could move on with a truly spiritual life, finding inner peace and harmonious balance. That wouldn’t work for me, the overthinker who couldn’t even meditate until recently!

    I found The Shadow Work Journal & Workbook by Noah Geller to get started. However, you can use whatever calls to you.  I found the guided workbook portion with consistent journaling goals precisely what I needed.  The questions reminded me of situations, decisions, and hurt I had caused myself (or others) over my lifetime. The journaling portion forced me to address the incidents, how I felt about them, and how they made me think about myself. Now, this was not fun.  However, once I had light shining in every dark corner, I could start to forgive myself and put those chapters to rest.  I finally understood that how someone treated me, the mistakes I made with others, and the poor judgment my young mind exhibited don’t mean a damn thing when seeking harmony and enlightenment. The workbook also asked questions that reminded me of my successes and positive aspects of my life, so it didn’t need to be all doom and gloom.  Balance was needed.

    We need not be defined by our past but by what we do from this moment on. Every day is a new opportunity to become a better version of ourselves. To do so, we must let go of the things that haunt us. 

    The funny thing is, once you achieve balance, it’s significantly more challenging for anything to impact your peace and balance negatively. This is because you RECOGNIZE it for what it is in the moment.  You see those patterns forming in your brain.  This lets you often stop them cold and kick them to the curb. So, besides peace and balance, those who earnestly take on Shadow Work find STRENGTH.

    Good luck, and remember that you are who you become, not who you were.

  • Meditation: Where to Begin?

    I mentioned once being agnostic in my previous entry. At this point, I have proof that spirituality is real, and I have a wife who is a born into/called upon Left Hand Path Witch.  She was first called at 5 years old, but that’s the story for her to tell. But what about me? I wasn’t being called by any deity, no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how much I tried.

    There are many ways to pursue spirituality. Like my wife, some are called toward it, often by specific deities, of which there are many.  Others are gifted with an open third eye and can perceive things beyond our normal perceptions.  Some learn of spirituality and attempt to drive themselves toward the enlightenment it can provide. Me? Let’s just say I appear to fall into the second and/or third categories.  If a deity is calling me, I cannot hear it outright. So, how do I begin to clear my mind so I can listen?

    The first step seems like a no-brainer, but it is for many the hardest.  Just clear your mind.  Easy, right?  Not so much for a lifelong over-thinker. If you think that’s hard, try meditating! I had to come up with a way to slow my mental roll long enough to have a chance at clearing my mind for even a second. The usual meditation techniques were not working.  I even purchased a book on meditation and tried the suggestions, but to no avail.  What eventually started to work for me was guided meditation.

    A friend suggested trying guided meditation using YouTube videos by Shaman Durek. I’ve included a link to some of my favorites below. Durek’s words, tone and pacing generally help keep me mindful. But even though I’ve been meditating successfully for some time, I still have to be vigilant and pull myself back in fairly regularly during a session. Many people will tell you to make time to meditate and stick to it.  I find that if I have significant competing priorities, I have a harder time staying focused during a session.  I meditate when I can, rather than forcing myself to a regular schedule. This ensures I can stay focused and thus get the quality of the experience rather than haphazard quantity. I will however make the time immediately if I’m feeling out of sorts spiritually because feeling negative can bleed into so many other aspects of everyday life. You need to determine what works for you. A fairly disciplined schedule may be precisely what you need.

    If you can blank your mind and meditate anytime (like my wife), great for you! I wrote this to help you get started if you are like me. Just know that you are not alone in your struggle to get started. However, no matter what you read here, the number one step is to simply ‘start’. Now go meditate…

    In future posts, I will discuss two things that aided me in accelerating the relaxing of my mind; Shadow Work & Energy Work. 

    YouTube link to my favorite meditations, both guided and non-guided: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLV5OfQf75zSSqkALODfE956ylyv5v03G7&si=UPp2F-A1-plUKXjD